1 Bravo 6

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend so he asked her,"What's the matter honey?". Pinocchio's girlfriend sighed and said, "You're probably the best bloke I've ever been to bed with, but every time we make love, you give me splinters". This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek advice from his creator, Gepetto. After listening to the problem, Gepetto handed over a piece of sandpaper and said, "Now, .. this should smooth out the problem". Gratefully, Pinocchio took the sandpaper and went off to try it. Now, ... a few weeks passed by and Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio who was stocking up on sandpaper. Gepetto said, "So, .. Pinocchio, .... things must be going pretty bloody well with you and the girls huh ?". Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS ???? WHO NEEDS GIRLS ???". Rick. :devious::devious:

G'Day Tomo, The one I've got has a little handle recessed into the grip. 30 seconds of winding will give about half an hour of torch life and has two brightness settings. I keep it in the caravan and checked it out just now after reading your post. I haven't used it for over a month, yet it still gave off a reasonable light. I think it cost me around $15 Aus. Rick. :devious::devious:

A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him being swept away. As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere. "Come on mate, get in", yelled the boatman. "It's O.K." the man said, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me". So the boat continued on and the water began to rise. When it was up to his neck, another boat appeared. "Better get in mate or you'll drown", shouted the boatman. "Thanks anyway, but it's O.K.", said the man. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me". The boatman shrugged and rowed away. By this time the water had reached his chin. A third boat appeared. "Come on mate, get in", yelled the boatman. "No, Jesus will save me". The boat went on it's way and, shortly after, the man drowned. Arriving in Heaven, he was met by Jesus. The bloke said, "Hey, Jesus, I trusted in you to save me and you let me drown !!! I don't believe it !!!". Jesus replied, "I don't believe it either, I sent three f***ing boats to save you". Rick. :devious::devious:

For the male chauvinist pigs among us. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen ?? Who cares?. Let her cook in the dark. Why did the woman cross the road ?? More to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen?? Why do women have periods?? Because they deserve them. What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with pms ?? You can bargain with a terrorist. Why do men die before their wives? They WANT to. Why do men pass more gas than women?? Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. What do you say to a feminist who has no ams or legs?? Nice tits. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong"" Made her chain too long. Why do brides wear whit?? Because that's the colour of all kitchen appliances. How can you tell if your wife is dead?? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up. Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?? Because if they dragged them by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt. Rick. :devious::devious:

He decided that he would have a facelift for his birthday. It cost him $5,000 and he is ecstatic at the result. He looks fantastic. On the way home he stops at a milk bar and says to the girl behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?". "Hmmm, .. about 30" was the reply. "Actually, I'm 45" the man said, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the sales assistant there the same question. Her reply is even better,... "Oh, ... about 25 I guess". He's now feeling very pleased with himself indeed. While standing at the bus stop, he asked an old lady the same question.. She replied, "I am 90 years old and my eyesight is not what it once was, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling how old a man is. If I put my hand down your pants and feel you up for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age". As there was nobody around, he thought what the hell and let her slip her wrinkled old hand down his pants and have a good rummage around. Ten minutes later, the old lady said, "Okay, .. it's done. You are 45". The man was stunned. "How did you do that?", he asked. The old lady replied, "I was behind you in McDonalds". Rick.

A married couple went to a bull auction. The auctioneer began his spiel for the first bull. "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times lasrt year". The wife nudged her husband and said, "WOW, ... more than five times a month". The auctioneer then calls out, "Another fine specimen, this bull reproduced 120 times last year". Again the wife nudged her husband saying, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month, what do you say about that?". Her husband is really getting annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale; "And this specimen reproduced 365 times last year". The wife slapped her husband on the arm and yelled, "That's once a DAY!!!, how about YOU !!!". The husband was REALLY pissed of now and yelled back, "BIG DEAL !!!,..... once a day huh??? I bet he didn't have to do it with the same bloody cow though". Rick.

Hey there Will, How did I know you were born in Texas???????????????. Mate, ... the big "E" hit it right on the nose. Rick. :devious::devious:

Young Bill, from the backwoods of Arkansas, his dog and a pig were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and found themselves stranded on a desert island. A few slow weeks passed by. Every evening they'd lay out on the beach and watch the stars. One night young Bill was feeling a little amorous and the pig started to look like not such a bad prospect after all. So he rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was quite jealous about it and growled until Bill took his arm away. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman with a perfect hourglass figure. Luckily, she was uninjured. She got along well with the others and went to the beach with them every evening. One night, young Bill began getting "those" ideas again, so he leaned across to the girl and said, "Umm, ... would you mind taking the dog for a walk?". Rick. :devious::devious:

Yair Will, That's the one mate. When it comes to bullpoop artists and taking the wizz out of someone, we Oz's are unbeatable. We're also pretty good at telling tall stories and stretching the truth, second only to native born Texans. Rick. :devious::devious:

Hey there Will, We often put out the welcome mat when there's a joint American/Oz excercise. Not just Marines either, we're not prejudiced mate, why, ... we were even nice to a couple of Army blokes once !!!!. I ALWAYS warn against going too heavily on our local brews mate. You Yanks can't handle the higher octane fuel we have down here; .. you turn out to be bloody two pot screamers.ROFLROFL I think I told you the story about the Koala Bears didn't I ????????????????? Rick. :devious::devious:

Tony D, Americans and Australians have a lot in common mate. One thing is L.A.N.G.U.A.G.E. The difference is that Americans speak American and we Oz's speak Australian, both derived from basic English. I recently had to act as interpreter for a couple of U.S. Marines who were here for the joint excercise Talisman Sabre 2 and found it dificult to understand what we Oz's were talking about. Rick. :devious::devious:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, ... what are you seeing the doctor for today?". "There's something wrong with my ****", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said. The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private". The man answered, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone". The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?". "There's something wrong with my ear", he said. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?". "I can't wizz out of it", he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. MESS WITH US SENIORS, AND YOU'RE GONNA LOOSE !!!!! Rick. :devious::devious:

Rain, You've gotta be joking mate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rick. :devious::devious:

Bill, If you answer the doorbell and find a grey haired lady standing there with an angry look on her face,.... RUN !!! Rick. :devious::devious:

Actually Rain, I wholeheartedly agree with the second quote. Rick. :devious::devious:

Good one Rain, Be even better if it was posted in the Funnybone forum though ROFLROFL Rick. :devious::devious:

G'DAY BILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rick. :devious::devious:

A wealthy old woman decided to go on a photo safari to Africa and took her old, faithful poodle, "Cuddles", with her. One day cuddles was chasing butterflies and found he was lost. He saw a young leopard sneaking up on him with a HELLO LUNCH look in it's eyes and thought, "Oh, God. I'm in the $^!# now". He noticed some old bones nearby and sat with his back to the leopard, chewing on a bone and, when the cat was close enough to hear he said, "Boy, ... that leopard was tasty. I wonder if there's any more leopards around". Hearing this the leopard thinks. "Ooooh, .. that was a close call, ... that poodle nearly had me", and very quietly left the scene. A monkey sitting in a tree witnessed everthing and thought, "Hmmmm, ... I can use this information to my advantage". He figured he'd trade with the leopard for protection from the cat, and took off after the leopard, caught it and spilled the beans. The leopard was absolutely furious that he was made a fool of and said to the monkey, "Hop up on my back and see what's going to happen to that damned poodle. Cuddles saw the cat coming and thought, "What am I going to do now?". He sat with his back to the cat and the monkey and as soon as they were in earshot said, "Where's that bloody monkey. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard". With that, the leopard took off like the proverbial scalded cat and ate the monkey. The moral to this story is: Don't mess with old farts!!!. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. Rick. :devious::devious:

Come on now Stephen, Where's your sense of adventure ??????? I recited it to Barb. It's been very quiet around here for a couple of days now. Rick. :devious::devious:

Thanks "E", Bill, I have mentioned your problem to a bloke I know who has had years of experience in relationships with "Special Friends" and he suggests less frequent visits to your wardrobe in future to avoid completely wearing out your relationship. Rick. :devious::devious: P.S. Bill, .. whatever you do, DON'T use a heat patch. It's not made of inner tube rubber.

Hey there Mike, You're not wrong there mate. After putting up with me for 40 years, I reckon she deserves a bloody medal. Rick. :devious::devious:

Good grief Mike, If he did post a photo, I hope it wasn't the one with him wearing THAT hat. As for women, .... well, ... Bill, you just might have to keep on friendly terms with the one in your wardrobe mate. Rick. :devious::devious:

Same here, I also queried the loss of the shout box a week or so back and it's still missing. Whoever pinched it should return it. Rick. :devious::devious:

Couldn't edit the previous post. Wind passing through a hole, (still no pun intended), will cause a whistling sound which would change tone in relation to the car's speed. Rick.

G'day there mate, how's things? From your post, it seems that you've already covered everything mechanical. This might sound silly but, ... Have you made any modifications to the front of the car ??? I'm just wondering if the noise could be made by the wind. (No pun intended on your avatar). I can't for the life of me think what could be causing the noise made by wind but you know your car best. Rick. :devious::devious: